Chris Brown's at it again with his childish temper tantrums. He's smashing up dressing rooms and plain showing out!
Can his career survive this latest destructive behavior? Yes, he's on top of the charts on iTunes, but will the media give him another chance to redeem himself?
I had coffee with a friend of mine-correction, hilarious friend of mine. We’ll call her Veronica (I’ve always loved that name.) After going into one café and realizing it was too crowded, we went across the street to a place that’s been around for years but neither of us had ever patronized. The establishment was cute and cozy. I couldn’t understand why it was empty. Then we got our drinks from the crabby counter person who seemed to get really annoyed when I asked if I could close the door, (um, it was still technically winter outside and my friend already had a cold) and it seemed more clear. We settled in for one of our signature hysterical, neurotic, provocative and honest talks that always seem to linger in my consciousness for a while.
When I linked up with my friend I noticed that she’d sewn birds onto her coat. I asked her about it and told her it reminded me of Portlandia, a show I’ve never seen, but heard of. I’d only seen a clip of the show that featured a bit about the recent pop culture and fashion world fascination with birds. She laughed and said she and a friend of hers loved that show. I was surprised Veronica knew of Portlandia because she’s not a pop culture freak like me. She not only knew of the show but had been inspired by it to deftly disguise the rips in her coat with red felt birds in ode to the bit’s catch phrase, “Put a bird on it.”
I asked her how she ripped her coat and she told me that some crazy dog had attacked her! The dog’s vacuous owner wasn’t paying attention to the pooch, (she was instead commandeering the sidewalk with her mega stroller and talking to her friends). It got out of control and lunged for Veronica and ripped her coat. The woman feigned remorse, but yeah, didn’t offer to pay for my friend’s torn coat. That explanation led us talking about the frustrations of our overly gentrified “all about me and my annoying kids and pets” neighborhood, and subsequently the irritations of life that we’ve both (sub)consciously decided, at least momentarily to avoid.
I felt a deep comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who’s been feeling overwhelmed, still. Veronica told me that when she’s not working, she pretty much just watches TV, a form of escapism in which we both heavily participate. 2010 was not the best year for me, but that’s over. So why do I have the urgent urge to lie in bed eating fried potatoes, (thanks to a brunch at Veronica’s house where she got me hooked on them) drinking wine and watching Sex and the City re-runs? (Veronica and I also talked about how wretched this show was in its portrayal of women. I think I’m cured of my retroactive interest in this show and have since switched it to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.) But does my need to indulge in superficial activity and starches to avoid the stress that can lead one to winding up in Times Square sporting a dingy robe, plastic tiara and flip flops while singing “Happy Birthday” to pigeons even have to be justified?
Sometimes it takes longer than we think it should to overcome the aftermath of trying times, but our society doesn’t value “vegging out”. It’s about “do”, “be”, “achieve”. Frankly I’ve gotten very comfortable with what has become my own mantra, “When life gives you lemons, take a nap.” Lay the hell down. If you need to just check/hide out for a while, is that so wrong? If all you can manage to put together for dinner for yourself is a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios because you’re too exhausted to even think about cooking, or you just want Cheerios, is that horrible? Does that make you a lazy failure? No. Taking a personal timeout is not only acceptable, but restorative. If one has children this is more difficult, but I believe claiming a cluster of “mental health” days is often necessary for psychological survival.
And on the first day of spring, typically people are speaking of themes of renewal and rebirth, not retreat. But I think retreating is part of the renewal process. Taking a step back, and therefore a step within to mentally and spiritually refortify yourself to cope with the past and/or the future is a show of strength, not a sign of weakness. And if you choose to do it with television and snacks, somewhat harmless escape tactics, then so be it.
Checking out is not a crime. Just make sure that after you’ve given yourself the sufficient time to heal, that you check back in so you can experience the great things in the world that will be waiting to welcome you back.
Do you ever feel guilty when you take time out for yourself? If so why?
Recently when watching the Oscars red carpet coverage I noticed all the hub-bub about Jennifer Hudson’s weight. Almost every correspondent commented on her “new body” except for Tim Gunn, who actually discussed the fact Hudson’s an Oscar winner. (Love the Gunn!) And Hudson played right into the game by giving what has become her standard comeback to inquiries about her new and “improved” figure, stating she can’t “wait to wake up in the morning” to see what she’ll wear. Even Wayne Brady referred to Hudson’s new figure in the NAACP Image Awards opening number.
And when singer/songwriter Marsha Ambrosius appeared on the Wendy Williams Show recently the first thing Williams did was congratulate the songstress on her weight loss, twice! I thought, Here’s a multi-talented musician and all you can talk about is her weight? I think it's great Hudson and Ambrosius are presumably living healthier lives but the weight loss shouldn’t overshadow the talent. And with March being Women’s History Month it would be great if we could experience women being defined by what actually makes them significant regardless of what size they are.
I’ve grappled with weight for as long as I can remember and have been defined by it as well. Being overweight for most of my life, growing up I was constantly teased and taunted and began to see myself as the world seemed to view me. As an adult I finally crossed that threshold from being a “big girl” to “girl with meat” when I lost over sixty pounds. And with that weight loss came the work of redefining my own self image and learning to value myself for who I am and not how much I weigh. Though my weight has fluctuated a bit over the years I’ve remained the same size. And I’m proud of that. With a change in lifestyle I’ve taken the control that seemed to elude me for a very long time. So I understand the satisfaction that comes along with beating the battle of bulge, even though my struggle isn’t over. And I’ve enjoyed the compliments to the extent that people have recognized my hard work and respond to my more self-loving self.
I’ve gotten a kick out of strangers who have stopped me on the street in my neighborhood to tell me I look great, though I’d been completely unaware that these people ever noticed me at all. But I haven’t enjoyed being defined by my weight or my weight loss, as at times it’s overshadowed my personal relevance. Whether or not I was being deemed less worthy when I was heavier or more worthy or more competent when I lost weight. And that’s where I had to not only do the work on the treadmill, but the work in my psyche to not allow myself to be characterized or limited by my weight; by myself or others.
I would have liked for Hudson to kindly accept the compliments on the red carpet about her weight loss but then deftly turn the conversation around to the fact that she was attending the Oscars as a previous winner. I understand her excitement about her new body and feel in light of what she’s gone through over the past couple of years she deserves to be happy about whatever she wants. However, it would have been a great moment to see her deflect others’ inadvertent attempts to trivialize her accomplishments and define herself for herself and remind people that she’s more than a number on a scale. (Leave that for the Weight Watchers commercials airing every two minutes.)
And I would have loved for Ambrosius to have had a moment (or taken the moment) to do the same on the Wendy Williams Show after her brilliant performance that displayed her genuine musicianship being met with comments about her weight loss. We as women cannot allow ourselves to be defined by our waist lines, or by other people. A compliment is great, but we need to take control of how we’re allowing ourselves to be valued. But that step usually begins internally. The fight with the self is the first battle.
I know my outlook won’t change the shallow nature of the standards that women are held to, or how we are judged or defined. But I can encourage us to think about taking our own power and redefining those standards and valuing ourselves on our own terms, at any size.
So in recognition of Women’s History Month, how do you want to be valued and defined?
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